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meme snagged from mithrigil

Ask any character I've written for advice, and he or she will provide it, advice columnist style.  Fictional characters' problems are welcome too.

Comments

( 62 comments — Leave a comment )
venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 04:55 pm (UTC)
Dear Takeshi:
I want a puppy but my bf says that we don't have the room or spare time to train it. I disagree. How do I change his mind?



Dear Ando:
What is your best hangover cure?


Dear Umino:
What's that smell?


Dear Hiro:
What is your opinion of IKEA? I know a friend who just bought a couch.
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 05:58 pm (UTC)
Dear Ms Orbit,

I strongly advise against obtaining a pet unless both you and your spouse are fully willing to commit to the endeavour. Experience tells me it will cause too much friction otherwise. Under no circumstances are you to get a dog and surprise him with it.

Sincerely,

Takeshi Nakamura

PS: If you absolutely must follow through despite my severe warning, I recommend "How to Raise the Perfect Dog: Through Puppyhood and Beyond" [Kindle Edition] by Cesar Millan. Skimpy lingerie also helps.
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 27th, 2011 06:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
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venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 06:49 pm (UTC)
To His Majesty the King of Earth:

Suppose I was going on a date with a man--a "man-date" if you will. How do I dress for such an occasion if there is no lavender in my wardrobe? Are cufflinks required? What topics should I breach on my man-date? Will third-party passerbys think us romantically linked?

Are we?

Your loyal subject,
V
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:23 pm (UTC)
Dear V,

I am sure you can understand that I am a very busy man (ruling Earth is hard work), but your letter really spoke to me, so I simply had to take some time out of my very busy day to answer your query.

While I reject the term "man-date" as slightly inappropriate, I understand the sentiment behind it. Spending time with close friends is very important and I always advise to set some time apart for it. I recommend blocking at least one evening a month for your nearest and dearest friend. Take him out to a nice restaurant. Rather than splitting the bill, I'd advise to pay in turns.

Dress as you would for any important social event (if your outfit would find approval from your parents-in-law, you're doing it right). Cufflinks add a nice touch to every suit.

During your special evening, you and your friend can talk about everything under the sun. Personally, I find talk about wives and girlfriends a bit bothersome because it takes away from the rare alone-time you and your friend can have.

If passersby think of you and your friend as something more than you and your friend, let them. Your friendship is special and follows its own rules and who knows, perhaps you and your friend do feel a special little something for one another? Who knows. The important point is that you like each other and that's all that matters. (For reasons of protocol, I would advise against PDAs though - there is a time and place for everything and some people don't understand the concept of an innocent bromance.)

Best,

Your Royal Highness King Endymion I.

PS: I do not appreciate you making fun of my choice of clothing. Lavender happens to be a very royal colour and my wife likes it on me. Still, I hope you enjoy your special evening with your friend.
venusorbit1
Mar. 27th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
Dear Mr. Nakamura:

I have heard from a colleague of yours that compulsive tie-wearing is an indicator of microgenitalia. Is he right?
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 06:59 pm (UTC)
Ms V,

the level of inappropriateness apparent in your letters leads me to deduce that the colleague you are referring to is one Ando Tanaka. Pay no heed to his foolishness.

It is universally known that a man who makes an effort to look respectable in his day-to-day outings will also go to great lengths to present an equally impressive picture during all important life events, be they in private or public.

Make of that what you will.

Sincerely,

Takeshi Nakamura
(no subject) - venusorbit1 - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 07:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
satine86
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC)
I was going to ask a question, but I died laughing at you and V! *lulz forever*
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:56 pm (UTC)
*grins*
Shoot the team a question, and let's see whether we can bring you back from the dead with EVEN MORE LAUGHTER.
ellorgast
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:56 pm (UTC)
Dear Ando, I always pack too much for a trip. How do I travel light?

Dear Mr. Nakamura, dogs drool, shed, pee, and puke everywhere. How do you keep your home so immaculately clean?

Dear Umino, you're clearly familiar with the student lifestyle. What do you eat? How do you sustain yourself through late night paper writing?

Sincerely, Ellorgast.
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:58 pm (UTC)
Dear Ellorgast,

packing light is an art form, but one that can be learned if you are male. If your are a woman, all hope is lost. Sorry.

Best,

Ando Tanaka
(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 08:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
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ellorgast
Mar. 27th, 2011 07:58 pm (UTC)
Dear Hiro, what do I do with boobs that are too big to fit in my hands? Is the only answer to double-palm them one at a time? How do you not spend twenty hours a day with your face in your wife's chest?

Sincerely,

Guy Who Looks Like You But is Totally Not You (because who makes furniture, who are you, JESUS?)
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 08:08 pm (UTC)
Dude,

careful there. You're talking about my wife.

But on purely advisory note that has nothing to do with my wife, I think the following bears mentioning: if the boob doesn't fit in your hand, the nipple will still fit in your mouth.

Best,

Hiro Nakamura

PS: While writing to me, I assume you sat down on some piece of furniture, using another to put the paper on. Meaning: yeah, I make furniture. Like Jesus. I make furniture like Jesus because I am awesome and without awesome people like me and Jesus, you would be sitting on the (presumably) dirty floor.
(no subject) - ellorgast - Mar. 27th, 2011 08:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 09:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
satine86
Mar. 27th, 2011 08:09 pm (UTC)
Dear Nakamura-san,

How do you best deal with unruly friends who always cause trouble?


Regards,
Suffering from a continual headache.
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 08:20 pm (UTC)
Dear Suffering from a continual headache,

I feel for you. I have some friends like that myself. I always advise maneouvring them into a position of responsibility, that straightens them out most of the time.

If this fails, you can make puppy-dog eyes at them and give them a guilty conscience to last a lifetime. Emotional blackmail is your friend.

Best,

Hiro

PS: If even that doesn't work, your situation is a tough one and you need to bring in the surprise weapons: mothers, girlfriends, dogs.
(no subject) - satine86 - Mar. 27th, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lovelylytton - Mar. 27th, 2011 08:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
ellorgast
Mar. 27th, 2011 09:45 pm (UTC)
Dear Mamoru,

I have all these new friends--except they're not really new friends, they're more like my oldest friends who I've been looking for forever--and I want them to meet my old friends but I am concerned about conflict. My girlfriend figures they'll all be this big happy family but I don't think it works like that. I fear this may turn into a territorial thing. How do I make everybody get along without playing favorites?

Signed,

Confused By Friendship
lovelylytton
Mar. 27th, 2011 09:54 pm (UTC)
Dear Confused by Friendship,

first things first: your girlfriend is wrong, at least for now.

When two separate groups of friends are brough together, jealousy and territorialism are bound to arise. You can try to divide your attention and time fairly between both groups, but to be honest, I am not sure that this is going to work in the long run. If possible, I would advise the following: don't introduce the groups to each other as a whole, but rather in smaller segments. Perhaps take out a member of each group to dinner, ask your girlfriend to join too, and then see where this takes you. Repeat this process often and mix and match the friends until you found out who is likely to get along and who is not.

Once you know that, the real work begins and the sad and sorry fact is that time and priorities are all that can sort it out. There will always be people who are closer to you than others and it sounds like this applies to those friends you have been searching for. From my experience, the people closest to you are like family, and family is important.

Not sure this was of any help, but good luck!

Mamoru Chiba
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